Personal 2am thoughts

Disclaimer: this is something super personal and slightly embarrassing, I know I shouldnt be, but It has been a hard couple years. 

I struggle to take care of myself. There I said It. It’s been probably since I was young, I have to remind myself to do daily tasks like brush my teeth, take a shower not wear the same clothes again. Maybe it’s because I don’t think I’m worthy, maybe it’s some underline mental disorder that was never established. Maybe it’s just because I’m too busy always taking care of other people. For a time in my adolescence, I feel like I had a hang on life, always ups and downs but more ups. Now being where I’m at in life I cant even remember to feed myself sometimes unless I am starving. I am too busy running around with the kids, doing what needs to be done at the house, the chores, the shopping, the baths, the braiding of hair, the feeding the constant snacks It feels like my day has packed so much inside It; I don’t even have time to think, let alone take a show…

Loving Myself (a poem).... 1st draft

Loving myself is like opening the fridge and smelling something that is repulsive but not being able to find it.
Loving myself is stepping on something damp with socks on.
Loving myself is wishing for rain on mars, hoping for snow on a Californians beach, dreaming the final chapter is not the end.

Loving myself is growing up a fairly happy child.
Loving myself is words hunting me with dulled arrow heads,
Loving myself is slowly scraping away my determination to survive.
Loving myself is wondering if this is the best lifetime I will live.
Loving myself is often dreaming of another dimension, where sadness was just below the surface and  tears were just an ant hill, not a mountain to defeat.
Loving myself is like crossing the open sea and not expecting to be surrounded by water.
Loving myself is an after thought, nothing but pepper and salt.
Loving myself is a missed communication.
Loving myself is an unsent text message.

After Work Thoughts (Don't be an ass)

Dear future customers, past customers, anyone going to be a customer in a restaurant soon, don't be an ass. If your server or bartender goes out of their way to make sure you have a wonderful experience, buys you a couple drinks maybe, makes sure that you are their first priority, don't be an ass. Don't be annoyed about how much the wine you ordered costs. If you know there are two Chardonnay wines on the menu and you order the Chardonnay not specified, I think you mean the better one. If you mean house white say house white. If you did not specify what wine to pour you do not complain about being charged three dollar extra for a glass that you have already have downed. It's fine all and all its not my personal money that has to be refunded to you, it's the restaurants. Though it makes me look like a bad worker when I have to refund 10$ to you from the glasses that you drank. Then please do not let me hear you talking to another one of my coworkers about how unhapp…

My Daily Routine

Today I am going to be writing about what a normal day for me looks like when I am not scheduled to work. I feel like writing it all down will help me pinpoint what I would like to add and take away from my day to make it run smoother. I have two small children 2&3 years old, so they take up a lot of my time during the day. Someday's are harder than others for sure, but I am gonna focus on a typically easy day where I actually get stuff done.

So we wake up usually around 7:30-8:00 in the morning, usually I am in my bed still at the point, so My older girl runs in and wakes me up. Main;y because she is so smart she figured out how to open the child proof door handle in her room, I usually send her back in her room to keep her contained, and keep the little one who is in a crib content while I open my eyes and take a moment to be ready for the morning. When I get up, I go their room and grab the little one from the crib, change her while my older one uses the potty and changes i…

Next Step In Life (After Work Thoughts)

I feel like I have lost my patience for stupid people at my job. I have been in the restaurant industry for 10 years this year, and every year I seem to hate people a little more every day. Some people act like they have never sat foot in a restaurant before when they sit at my table, unsure of how to behave towards the person doing them a favor of serving their food. IE Me. Then the questions, off the wall stupid questions, such as "Can you put the gluten back in the chips? Do the beer battered french fries have gluten in them? What type of fish is in the cod tacos?" I just smile and die a bit on the inside when I explain that some things are just naturally gluten free....Or that Cod is the main ingredient COD tacos..It gets harder and harder each day not to just come back with a snide remark to every ridiculous thing that comes out of people's mouths. One day I dream about winning the lottery and finally telling the next rude customer that sits in my section, to suck i…

12/8/18 complaints

Woke up a less accomplished mom today. No energy to feed the children more than yogurt and fruit. I wonder where the me that was energetic playful and productive mom went? Maybe it's the fact that the only alone time i get is so late in the evening and I woke up a different person? Maybe I woke up realizing that I have to work today set the mood. It is a soul sucking job being a server sometimes. I feel like i never saw myself doing it for more than a few years. Ten years later I am still in the industry seeing the same people daily, doing the same repetitive tasks. Asking people how they are? When they don't care how I am. "Fine how are you?" is the programmed response. Instead of telling them, "I am awful, tired covered in ranch and bbq sauce, my feet are tired,my head hurts from not being able to sleep. And I hate this job." But I just smile and take their order, making people feel important is flashing in my face on the computer screen, such a laugh whe…

Blueberry Pancakes of Patience

I realize being a parent has taught me a great deal of patience. I had always thought of myself as a very easy going person, then I had two not so easy going toddlers trying to wreck every fun time I try to create. I say that in the most lighthearted way that I can. Children can be fun suckers and the moment you try to do anything slightly structured and fun with them they fight, or whine, or throw things and ruin it. I never realized how short my temper was for things like that until I became a mom. Now I feel like every other day is a battle of will power between my kids and I.

Today I woke up in a fantastic mood with a great idea of making homemade blueberry pancakes. Easy recipe, I had all the ingredients, I love to cook so I thought that this could be a fun activity to share with the kids. Sure I knew we'd get a little messy, I also knew things wouldn't go to plan but all and all I felt that it would go well. That was until we actually started making the mix, every other …