12/8/18 complaints

Woke up a less accomplished mom today. No energy to feed the children more than yogurt and fruit. I wonder where the me that was energetic playful and productive mom went? Maybe it's the fact that the only alone time i get is so late in the evening and I woke up a different person? Maybe I woke up realizing that I have to work today set the mood. It is a soul sucking job being a server sometimes. I feel like i never saw myself doing it for more than a few years. Ten years later I am still in the industry seeing the same people daily, doing the same repetitive tasks. Asking people how they are? When they don't care how I am. "Fine how are you?" is the programmed response. Instead of telling them, "I am awful, tired covered in ranch and bbq sauce, my feet are tired,my head hurts from not being able to sleep. And I hate this job." But I just smile and take their order, making people feel important is flashing in my face on the computer screen, such a laugh when the only time I want them to feel special is handing me over their check cards. Telling them how wonderful it was to meet them is a ploy to make sure they give me as much of their money as I can squeeze from their electronic payment. I know I need to find a new career but the searching and taking time to do any of that is pretty impossible at the moment. I know things will get easier as the kids get older, but I have no patience to wait for a better opportunity to knock on my door. So maybe if I continue to write and strive to make an impression on people I can pull out of my routine and become the dream that died a while ago. It's hard to find the positive sometimes, but I know its buried in my complaints about life. Allowing myself to feel the disappointment may just be the fire that I need to do something about it.

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